Bittersweet: The View of Daily Bread

 “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times…”

-Charles Dickens as found in A Tale of Two Cities

Difficult times befell us again.  Our youngest, J, has problems.  The details of his problems don't warrant public airing, but we felt distressed.  We needed help.  We have been (and still are) inadequate.  Over 1,675 miles from home, we just left him at a facility that MIGHT help him.  He's been through several programs, therapies, and facilities.  He has made "no significant progress" so far.

We flew here on a Tuesday.  Wednesday, we simply spent the day together.  We hiked, visited some sights, and swam in the hotel pool  We even played a game together.  We mourned our fears and losses through tears.  We talked about the possibilities of the future.

God has gently nudged me through this process.  I kept praying for confirmation that this step was absolutely necessary.  The stress kept mounting.  Behaviors kept coming.  My husband, Jeff,  and I (in-spite-of all our intelligence, experience, determination, and strength) found ourselves inadequate.  Jeff humorously, yet with sarcastic honesty, said, "Will you quit praying for confirmation and just recognize that we have it?!"  Yes, indeed, God gave plenty of confirmation.

So, there we waited.  J displayed many behaviors.  Sweet times of discovery, exploring, and excitement happened in this new city.  Stress seeped into the day.  Tears rolled down cheeks as we said our last evening prayers together for a while.  Forgiveness over the past permeated the air, but I could not save my son from the consequences of his behavior.

Allowing bitterness to consume my thoughts over the many, many circumstances surrounding this decision would have been easy.  I could hold anger over our son's head, but anger solved nothing.  With our other children, we experienced some exorbitantly difficult circumstances that easily allowed us to be angry.  It hasn't helped.

God allowed me to to observe the bitter and the sweet.  I wanted to rescue J from his consequences, but I saw their absolute necessity.  His tears while saying, "I'll miss you," cut my Momma's heart like a knife, but I continually saw his lack off effort that put him in this position.  The reading of the biblical book of Jeremiah shed some light on our circumstances: Jeremiah warned and warned the Israelites of impending doom if they continued their behaviors.  Jeremiah even wrote a letter to the king, which the king, with great indignation, promptly burned upon its reading.  As J's parents, we warned and warned.  Others warned him, too.

"No significant progress" happened.

The lines of, "He can't," blurred with, "He won't."  Many professionals cautioned:

"You realize that meds only help so much.  You need to make better decisions."

"Something will moderate you: yourself, the authorities, or the grave."

I'm glad we spent time together before this next facility.  Christmas break provided a relaxed atmosphere.  J tended to behave better with thoughts of twinkling lights, presents, and festivities.  I will treasure the very sweet moments, such as hugs, meaningful conversations, and acts of loving service to each other.  Our family also dealt with his threats, destruction of items, and constant verbal altercations.  Our life's teeter-totter balanced well; it just had gigantic weights on each end without signs of moderation in the middle.  The board was stressed and ready to snap from the heavy weight on polar opposite sides.  Our church family prayed.  Thoughts of inadequacy ran free in our minds-did we wait too long? What did we do wrong?  What did we miss along the way?

“Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.”

-The sayings of Agur, son of Jakeh - an inspired utterance as found in Proverbs 30:8 & 9

(Total aside: I loved that "an inspired utterance" was found in the Bible!)

God provided my daily bread.  Too much bitterness would have ruined me, but too much happiness would have turned my head toward pride and deny his Lordship.  Peace dwelt in my heart and mind as my husband and I flew home.  Stress melted away, and I actually relaxed and smiled some on the journey.  Solace is found in the true joy of honoring God through our circumstances.