Guilty

I feel guilty. I’m just going to lay out my feelings here. (Maybe it will help some mom or dad down the road sometime; maybe it won’t.) I feel guilty that our kids don’t embrace Christ as Lord. I feel guilty that we deal with so many various forms of brokenness in our immediate family. I feel heartache over broken relationships, poor behaviors, and hurt to others outside of our family due to the wild choices of our children. 

As stated in many posts, my husband and I were called to foster some children and adopt three of those. Our eldest is working hard now, providing for his family, and genuinely trying. He had his issues and is doing much better. Our middle hasn’t communicated more than a few sentences over the past 4 1/2 years with us. Our youngest is in his 3rd residential placement due to behaviors, trouble with the law, and legal rulings. I feel guilty. 

We just visited J in his new location. Where doesn’t matter, but it’s a 13 hour drive one way or an airline flight from our home. The facility is not perfect, like all of the other facilities that we have visited. They do seem to genuinely care and try with their clients, though.

We had a family therapy session with J’s new therapist because his first therapist at this facility left for another job. (This is a common theme in this side of the world as well.) The new therapist was very kind to us and very blunt and forward with J. Time is running out. If J does not participate in the program soon, he will revert to the juvenile detention facility, which has threatened to place him in juvenile prison. (This is all theory because we have learned that until a decision is made legally, nothing is certain. Logistics can change in a heartbeat, and strong personalities tend to push these decisions in one direction or another.) The therapist covered some worst case scenarios. I’m not even going to put those possibilities in writing. They are not optimistic at all. (You see, as a believer in Christ, rule-follower, reasonable citizen in society, person who never received a detention in high school, and all around “goodie-two-shoes”, I want to vomit when I hear the prospects of juvenile prison. AND, once again, I feel guilty…) J semi-acknowledged the seriousness of his predicament.  The therapist iterated some accolades to our efforts as parents. Feeling guilt, I replied that we tried. The therapist looked me straight in the eye, and said that we had not just tried; we succeeded. More guilt welled up inside me as I teared up. Eventually, the session ended.

We had a reasonably good weekend. We adventured outside, played games, and had some good food. At one point, J began to tear up and said that he didn’t want to go to prison. He said that he was going to try.

I still feel guilty.

The guilty questions started to plague my head: Why have the other seven programs not helped? Why weren’t Jeff and I enough as mom and dad? Why are we at this crossroads, feeling like J has taken the wrong path at so many crossroads. 

We said a tearful goodbye. After all of these experiences, it seems like leaving would become easier. It never gets easier. As I sobbed in the car, Jeff reminded me that we are not at this point from a good weekend; we are at this point after a long, difficult five years of police intervention, specialized counseling, and stubborn resistance. I reiterated Ezekiel 33, which talks about being a watchman. If the watchman warns of the peril coming, the watchman is not guilty of the people’s lives. If the watchman is silent, then God holds the watchman accountable. 

When it’s all been said and done, we have been faithful; not perfect, but faithful. We declared Jesus as the Savior. We warned of the coming destruction for resistance. Others have warned us that we have worked harder than our children at times. At times, we have. God calls us to be faithful. I’m learning to accept that this guilt does not come from God. God does not condemn those who put their faith and trust in Jesus. Romans 8:1-1 says,

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

We have been the faithful watchmen. In the words of J’s therapist, “It’s up to you now. I’m interested to see what you will choose.”

TO BE CONTINUED…